This year wasn’t that easy for me. I ended up seeing 13 new countries, which was more than I expected and also besides traveling, there were a lot of things going on in my life. From happy moments over to very bad moments, from hope to frustration. Probably all feelings and emotions were involved.
January – April
I started to travel with my ex girlfriend in January to Hungary, Kuwait, the UAE and Oman together. The time with her wasn’t the same as last time I saw her, but I still thought positive. Everything was seeming to work out again, but the opposite happened.
After arriving back home I went to a hospital, specifically for mental health treatment. I myself suffer from depression since the last 15 years I suppose and have Asperger Autism, to quickly go over my mental issues.
For 7 years I was in therapy and it helped me a lot and is still helping me. My life is working out and I understand myself quite well. Still there were many times where events in my life led me to a total crash of my mental world. I wanted to fix that, get myself on the long run more stable and be ready for a potential life in Australia. At least that was my idea.
First day in the hospital, I got ghosted from her. The ghosting was very painful, due to the high amount of disbelief and disappointment in her as a person. My heart was crushed again, but I was in the hospital and it was possible to work on the pain, to understand it in the future as well.
Hospital
The time in the hospital was great, I stayed 8 weeks every night in the hospital and then two weeks at home, but the full days in the hospital for the therapy sessions. I overcame the pain and I was able to work on my issues. After solving one issue, five new ones came up. I didn’t know how many unsolved issues were inside of me.
Probably the biggest achievement in the 10 weeks, getting rid of my critical voice. I had for the past 10 years a voice inside of my head with the sound of my voice. This voice was pushing me down every day, with everything I was doing it pushed me down. For example I was laughing too long, the voice told me that I am annoying everyone around. Even when no negative feelings were inside of my head, my voice was there to destroy me, no good feelings were staying very long.
The people in the hospital were great to talk to, because after the official therapy there the therapy with the other patients was starting. It felt like being in a safe space, nobody judged you a lot and you were able to find people who understood you, who could feel your pain. I cried many times and I laughed even more. For the first time since I can recall I felt real happiness inside of myself.
May to June
The great feeling hold on for quite a while. For over a month I was feeling great, my moods were good and smiling was real and also happened when I was by myself. Still I wasn’t that much by myself. Many people stayed at my place, I started to try finding my spot back into the society. It isn’t easy to do so, there is always that feeling of wanting to just leave, because nothing is really holding me here.
I started to do more with my closest friends, that was something I realized there. I need to do more with the people who are good for me. More money was spent on my lifestyle, from almost nothing to a little bit. It isn’t easy for me to make big changes in life, but in order to get better, changes need to happen.
Spending time with my best friends is something I still keep up with, because it is doing good for me. They are people who I love to have around and who are with me in every time of my life, appreciating me for the person who I am and don’t care about what I do as long as I am doing well. This is special for me and I am very thankful. Back then I never really had friends, was bullied in school and had problems with my family and with society.
A new trip started, with some good friends, we went to the UK to attend the Cheese Rolling, some really stupid, but fun event. It was planned before going to the hospital, same as the trip after. Before another trip started, I was celebrating, like every year, my birthday with my closest male friends and it was great like always!
Stressful trip incoming
I booked a flight to Singapore, to fly after to Australia to move there for a while. This flight was booked without her knowing back then. She reached out to me a bit before this, but I blocked it up quite quickly because it was not out of good intentions.
I was afraid of a comeback of my feelings when taking the flight, but I tried to be strong. The trip to Singapore, Indonesia, Timor Leste, Brunei and Qatar was part-wise joined by a friend of mine, who before the trip I’ve seen once in the last three years. It worked out fine, but was different for me, he was the first guy I was ever doing a trip like that with.
I’ve had great experiences on that trip, seen different cultures and met amazing people. It was a trip which turned out way better than I was imagining it.
June to September
After being back home, I met someone who I was getting along super well with. We went together to the Netherlands and it seemed like it had potential. I was a bit afraid, because I didn’t want to get hurt again. In order to not walk alone through life, it is necessary to risk it, in this case it didn’t end well. She just vanished out of my life with foul intentions without communicating them. It was painful, but I didn’t feel like I was doing something wrong, so I was able to overcome it quite quickly. It was also during the time with her often a fight and it didn’t feel like at the end, that there was potential for some peaceful together living.
In this time I was not only making connections like that, it was also a time in which I was going out into nature a few times, to do some camping with friends. I was again quite active in our Couchsurfing community in my city and we had a lot of fun times. Also many people stayed at my place again.
I worked on a festival and went to a concert and a few city festivals. I was really using this summer to be out there, doing things which my depression wouldn’t give me the energy for. It was, besides the one thing with the girl, a great summer and even in my yearly photo book there are many pictures from Germany.
Spontaneous but intense trip
I went on another trip to Hungary, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan and Afghanistan. This trip wasn’t planned for a long time ahead, I had some time and was like “why not?”. Most of the time I spend in the countries I actually didn’t enjoy. Hungary is always nice, but I was there only for the flight. Kazakhstan was the only one I honestly liked. Afghanistan was sad, Tajikistan was okay and Azerbaijan was from my personal feeling even worse than Afghanistan. It was the first time that I questioned myself, if the goal of visiting every country in this world will actually fulfill me, or if it is super unnecessary to do.
By now I ask myself this question often, but I don’t have an answer to it. I just travel to places I feel like going and get like that closer to my goal, the half is almost done.
This trip also gave me food poisoning and made me understand that tours are not for me. Also that our life is so privileged over here and that countries who have nothing can still make you feel like that it is one of the best countries ever.
October to December
This time started not bad. I started a podcast with my good friend Ashraf and it was fun to do so!
Nothing really happened and I told myself to stop dating. Dating was always the reason why I was not feeling so good in the end. It stopped me from working deeply on myself, but on the other hand when I was feeling in my life a good connection to someone it helped me mentally a lot. So dating is for sure something I want in life, just a little break would be the idea.
What happened instead?
So yeah I decided that, but then there came a girl around who I was meeting for a walk. I actually didn’t expect anything to fully happen from it, but the opposite was the case. She was very interested, natural, pretty and interesting. We were staying in contact and meeting each other often, it felt perfect for me. It had so much potential and also she was willing to do many amazing things with me in general.
I was super hyped to see where it was going. Sadly she was after several meetups afraid to keep it going, not due to me, just due to my Asperger Diagnosis (she had bad experiences with one guy who probably had it). It was something I still don’t fully understand, because when you know one Asperger, you know one Asperger, due to the spectrum they are all completely different. Also the Aspergers I know are completely different to me.
It was something I had to talk to my therapist about as well and she also couldn’t understand it. At the end fears are sadly the way they are and need to be respected.
It was still a very nice time and maybe she is the right one for me, just not the right time. Nonetheless I learned a lot from the short time and know even better now what I want in my future partner. So even though it hurt me a lot and still is hurting me, I don’t have any negative feelings for her, because she didn’t do anything bad and was just a great person and it was refreshing to see something like that!
A last trip before the new year
On my last trip I went to India and Bangladesh. A trip which I did with the friend with whom I went to Indonesia. It was a mixture of pure stress, spicy food, but also beautiful landscapes. Beautiful landscapes were nothing I really expected to see. I went swimming in the Ganges river, something I would have never thought in my life to do. Many great people were there to meet.
We were exploring a lot and also tried to understand ourselves even better. It didn’t work out the way we planned though. Still at the end both countries were not my absolute favorite from the ones I’ve seen so far, but nevertheless it was nice to experience them, without getting food poisoning.
After I left, my friend was getting into the hospital due to bad food poisoning, which sucks a lot.
The final time of the year
I was finishing my photobook with the pictures from the last countries and it felt great to do so. Many experiences this year, many ups and many downs. Many people entered my life and some also exited it. It wasn’t all easy. I went lower with working hours, moved to a new apartment and tried to find myself even more.
This year wasn’t easy for me, many things made me sad and many things destroyed me even. Still there was a lot to learn from, I’ve made mistakes this year and also from them I am planning to learn to get better. My whole life is there to learn and achieve to get better, but to understand who I am is something I still plan to do.
I wanted to focus this year 2023 on it, but I probably need to focus 2024 still on my mental health in order to overcome many issues and be ready for a more happy life. Maybe next year some things are going to get easier and maybe next year can bring me and everyone out there closer to their personal goal. I wish everyone out there a great start in 2024, celebrate with loved ones and try to communicate better with each other, it will make you happier!
Greetings from Sylt in Germany! All the best
– Nico
